“Depression and anxiety together is like staying in bed and skipping school because you don’t want to deal with anybody else. Then, worrying for the rest of the day because you don’t want to fail. Having both is like wanting to go out and hang out with your friends, but then talking yourself out of the plans because you don’t want to have to make the effort,” –Anna Buckley.
A lot of us, maybe even everyone at some point of their lives, can relate to the above quote. Don’t mind me here but I’ll be playing devil’s advocate today. You can yell at me later but give me a chance first.
Lately, I’ve been pretty confident in saying “I don’t really have them anymore” but to keep saying that I would be lying. For roughly the last year, I haven’t even thought how it felt to be someone who suffered from anxiety and depression. It’s like I forgot what it does to your body. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had my flare ups and panic-y moments but I believe (and know) that I am in a much better place than I was a few years ago.
When I think back to what I was going through every day while also living with the normal, high-school, teenage girl drama, it makes sense for my emotions to be even higher. But with all the hormones, the boy problems, the friend drama, I have no clue how I didn’t rip my hair out. There would be days when I would not leave the house, and even days where I wouldn’t leave the bed. Not because there was nothing to do (even though that’s usually the case for Paulding co.) but because I truly couldn’t get myself to do it.
Growing up, I was always a shy kid. If you weren’t my mom, my dad, or my bffs, I would start to cry if I had to even look at you in the eyes. I wish I was kidding. I always thought that was just me being shy and while yeah it is, it followed me until my freshman year of college. I realized that there were so many times I would miss out on new friends or an event and I didn’t want that anymore. I literally don't have my driver's license because the anxiety takes over my body. Growing older, I realized these were just the beginning of my anxious phases. So, I tried to break out of my shell but something about it was still hard for me. When will I just live normally without a constant worry in the back of my mind, y’know?
“What if they don’t like me?”
“What will my other friends think of my new friend?”
“Should I say ‘here’ or just raise my hand when the teacher calls my name?”
Now, I’m not writing this as a pity party because that is the last thing I want from anyone (in the nicest way possible). I just want to help someone. Seriously, that’s all I want. To this day, I don’t really know anyone who is as up and down as I am so if that is you… I’m here for you baby.
Being diagnosed with anxiety & depression after a tragedy in my family, it made sense to feel the way I did. So many conversations I distinctly remember from 7 years ago. Some conversations I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
Get into my mind for a second… whenever I have an episode, I become aware of everything and get awfully overwhelmed by it all. I start to become aware of everything- how rapidly my heart is beating, how many times I blink, the pace of my breathing, how badly I’m sweating, all of it. It feels like I’m in a bubble and I can’t escape. Shaking myself out of that? It doesn’t happen. I say all of this to say
IT GETS BETTER
When I say “better”, that varies for everyone. For some, that could mean that you are completely ~fixed~ and you don’t have to worry about these racing thoughts popping back into your head. For most others, I think “better” means that you learn how to deal with the outbursts and the low days. You find a way to cope during these episodes, whether it’s a few hours or a few days long. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing, above all else. Other things will be there. Sitting out one from weekend of partying won’t kill you and staying in on your off day won’t make your friends upset. It’s also essential to remember to keep good company around you and you will never have to worry about being left behind when you aren’t at your best.